she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Are my feet made of real feet?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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