I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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