note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
