There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The feeling are messing with the penis
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
