just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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