i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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