dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
