how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
