I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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