Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
