I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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