Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
