So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
