Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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