He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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