I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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