just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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