Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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