I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
