Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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