My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
it was like eating out sand paper
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
