Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
