You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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