i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
