im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
