Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
