pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize