New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
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