Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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