Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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