why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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