I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
