Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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