giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize