Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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