he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
