How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
