Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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