I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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