i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
