The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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