Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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