You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize