I didn't shave. On purpose
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
