this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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