So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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