My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
