we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
