I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
