Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
