Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
