Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
