So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
