We won't sleep together?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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