At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
