He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
