Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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