Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize